2am. Woken up not knowing which way was up. My heart beating so fast I thought I was having a heart attack. I thought I was dying. I couldn’t breathe or move. I just sat there feeling everything all at once. Every emotion, physical pain, the entire world coming down on me. It’s such a surreal hard to explain thing.
It’s no secret that one of the backbones of my life is music. It has the power to heal pieces of you that you might not have known it could. Three of the times I went to rehab it was a music-based program. I learned to use music to my advantage like listening to songs that match my feelings, so I know someone else is feeling the same way. Music can serve as a distraction, relation, self...
I’m trying something new I saw another blogger do. I’m giving myself 5 minutes to write whatever comes to mind. I’m pretty sure this will be some manic rambling but thought I’d give it a try. Yesterday was my birthday and it was fantastic, however I went into a manic episode that persists today, and no telling how long it will last.
It’s been a hell of a year. But I made it out the other side even through all the emotions this year has brought. Today I turn 39, the last year of my thirties, and I still question where I am in life right now. This year I went to rehab twice, I almost lost everything I have because of that, some intense relationship issues with people because of my relapses, I’ve lost teeth due to drug use and...
This is the second in a four-part series with affirmations for the different parts of my life that I use. Affirmations can be a strong and beautiful way to remind yourself of your worth. Sometimes we need to remind ourselves that we are worth the life we are living. I learned a lot about affirmations and how they can be incredibly helpful and supporting while in treatment.
Things have been going semi-ok the past couple of months since I’ve been back. I got home and was ready to hit the ground running. I was going to journal, go to meetings, blog more, meet my sponsor, get my therapy and psychiatry world in order, spend more times with my friends in recovery, and friends and family.
Over the last few years, I have noticed major things going on with my brain. And none of them are good. It’s scary in fact. I have noticed my memory going, I find it very hard to find the words to describe something, in the easiest of conversations. I find myself stumbling over my words when I am teaching my students, and it’s things I have been teaching for years.
That’s what everyone says. “Smile and you’ll feel better and be more confident.” “If you don’t smile people won’t approach you.” And much more commentary about my physical appearance. Even though they may be approaching that from a place of positivity, it makes me feel even worse about my smile. I barely smile, and even less with my teeth showing. After years of drug abuse and dreaming my smile...
I never knew what I was doing when I was growing up when I had these tics or random repetitive behaviors. I just thought something was wrong with me. I would pop my pinky finger repetitively until it hurt. I would repetitively bite my cheeks to the point of making them bleed at times. I
Lately, I've been dealing with a couple of things mentally. Things I wish I could cast out and not have to worry about. As anyone else would, naturally. Both stem from being insecure. And the infuriating part is I know that's what they are based on, but I continue to have issues.