*I wrote this before I had a panic attack and moved into a manic episode.*
Depression is a huge part of my mental illness diagnosis. It is a full half of my bipolar diagnosis. I also live with PTSD, anxiety, and mania. I got the full package of genetics right there. I have been so lost in my depression that many areas of my life have been getting worse. I do not want to do anything or go anywhere. Much less communicate with people either in person or through the phone. It has gotten so bad that the only thing I look forward to is taking the seven pills that help with my mental state at night, but the real reason is because it makes me fall asleep quick, so I do not have to deal with the world.
Depression is a hard beast to manage. It can become debilitating. Each episode can be very different as well. They don’t all look the same. I’ve ghosted the whole world, I’ve called out of work, I’ve cancelled plans with friends, I don’t clean the house, my hygiene becomes non-existent, and more. But the pills become the highlight of my day. I look forward to it every night. When I take them, I have a reliable window of 30 minutes before I get knocked out for the night. Those 7 pills are my relief from every day. What better way to not feel depressed if you medicate yourself to fall asleep.
The bad part of it is that you eventually wake up and must deal with it another day. Waiting for the next episode to turn the tides. Or at least some baseline. And as taboo as it might be to talk about, I have passive ideations of unaliving myself. Nothing I would act on, but if it happened, it happens. But I get up and try to be as functioning as I can. It’s all I can do. Take my meds, drink water, and fake it ‘til you make it.
It’s all I really have to say about it. I will keep fighting it and hold up hope that that next episode shift comes faster than the depression set in.
A little but about my meds. All in all, I take 20 pills a day, that’s not including the supplements and vitamins I take. They range from my different diagnosis, and some were added to manage side effects of some of them. Pills to help me to help more pills. I take uppers and downers, sideways and backways. Every which way.
I share this to help destigmatize taking medication to manage mental illness diagnosis. There is nothing wrong with taking medication to bring you to a base level of mental health. Too many people look down on and judge those who take medication.
I currently take;
- Benztropine
- Naltrexone
- Lamictal
- Lithium
- Buspar
- Seroquel
- Aripiprazole
- Prazosin
- And several supplements and vitamins
There’s nothing wrong with medication. It means you are actively participating in a form of self-care. I’m not calling on you to share your medications or mental health diagnosis, I just want you to not feel alone in this. The game of meds can be tough and can change regularly.