Bipolar Symptoms

It’s no secret that I live with Bipolar Disorder. I have always been very open about it, for the same reasons I am open about my addiction issues. One thing I haven’t talked about, though, is my symptoms of Bipolar Disorder, which I struggle with every day. My earliest memory of having behavioral issues was around 10. I had a lot of childhood trauma that was the catalyst to what I think was the beginning of my Bipolar Symptoms. I also have a genetic predisposition to mental illness and addiction in my family. Around that time, I struggled with everyday things like paying attention in class, aggressive outbursts, rapid mood swings, and self-harm. As I got older the symptoms became more severe and debilitating.

Throughout my adolescence and early adulthood, it was hard to function. As I grew into adulthood, it only got worse until I was initially diagnosed. I got labeled as childish and crazy during those times, and I was.  When I got diagnosed, I was put in a study, but I was doing coke the entire time, so that skewed my entire presentation of symptoms. I was doing it to cope. It made me want to do something. Something I hadn’t felt before. I stopped the meds they gave me and would start retaking them until my first relapse when I went to rehab and got put back on them. I’ve been on them ever since.

The meds helped put most of my symptoms in check, but it doesn’t eliminate them, it just makes them easier to manage in most cases. But those symptoms define my diagnosis and, in a way, define who I am. The symptoms suck. Sometimes, I’ll just be dealing with one, and then the next time, I will have to juggle multiple symptoms.

Not a lot of people want to talk about the symptoms they face living with Bipolar Disorder because they can be embarrassing or taboo. And I get that fully because I am embarrassed by them as well. Thankfully, my meds help me with most of my symptoms. I mention it in pretty much every post, but I choose to talk about it so no one feels alone in dealing with these things. So, I have put together a list of the top 5 lesser talked about symptoms I deal with living with. These aren’t a catch-all or one-size-fits-all type of list. Symptoms can greatly vary from person to person. This is just my experience.

This is a combination of bipolar symptoms and side effects of the medications I’m on. This is one of the more taboo things to talk about. You’re not supposed to talk about your sex life in public and the problems associated with it. But here I am. I’ve never really had a high sex drive anyway, but it is way less when I’m in a depressive episode or when my meds want to act up. It’s crazy how the pills meant to help you have negative side effects themselves. It just feels like something I can live without in those instances. As you can imagine, this puts a strain on my marriage with someone who has a healthy sex drive.

My husband struggles with this one more than any of the other symptoms because it affects him directly. His happiness and fulfillment can go unmet when I’m not feeling it. And I feel stressed and like I’m not enough in those instances because I can’t give him what he wants. Sometimes, I feel pressure, not because of him but in my mind, and it’s embarrassing and frustrating for both of us, but he does his best to understand it. I wish I could live with it. Weird to say, but I wish it were higher. Thankfully are relationship doesn’t revolve around sex. It makes it a little easier to cope with this symptom.

The way I cope and manage is to be completely open with my husband so there are clear expectations and boundaries. It can be easier said than done sometimes, but not impossible to work through the lulls.

This is a touchy one, as I don’t want to seem mean or unhinged, even though I have those tendencies when I am manic. I feel overwhelmed and overstimulated. I take things personally and feel like I’m being attacked, even if that’s not the case sometimes. I’ve broken things, yelled at people, self-harmed, hit things, and I have acted out my aggression on others. It’s irritability and hostility that come over me when I feel this way. I never really know where it comes from because I’ve noticed it when I am happy and sad, it is unpredictable and often uncontrollable. I’ve had moments that resemble psychosis.

The people around end up catching the brunt of the “rage attack.” I’ve lost friends over it. Now I do an ok job at managing it, not saying it doesn’t still happen, but it’s less frequent. I put distance between myself and people as much as I can to avoid causing pain to others, and stopping to meditate has helped.

One of the weirder ones is my hallucinations. They aren’t full-blown seeing pink elephants in my living room type of hallucinations, but more like seeing large black spots or objects, excessive floaters, and the scariest of them are the shadow people. For those who don’t know, shadow people are dark objects resembling people that you can see out of your peripheral, and sometimes, they can appear to run up on you. It’s scary seeing something run at you and then disappear. I also have tactile hallucinations that can be the most frustrating and bothersome. My skin can crawl and itch without prompt for hours. I take meds for them, so they aren’t nearly as bad as they used to be, but they still present themselves from time to time. They can cause me to neglect other things because I’m just trying to get rid of them. They started when I was a young adult and grew in severity now into my late 30s. I don’t really have a coping mechanism for this because I don’t know if anything can actually be done. But they are tortuous when I’m trying to go to bed. It seems to happen more at night and affects my sleep.

This one can be more embarrassing because everyone can see it. Not just you or who is close. I can go days without a shower or brushing my teeth. I don’t shave, do my nails, not wear deodorant. I have no motivation when this happens. I think, why should I? Because nothing else matters anyway. My husband has to remind me sometimes when I am in one of my depressive episodes. To deal with this, I put reminders on my phone to pop up during the day to do certain things. This can occur during mania or depression. Other things take priority in your mind that make doing normal tasks next to impossible. In my mind, it can be a form of self-harm because you aren’t tending to your body’s needs.

I take a ton of meds. Meds for bipolar, anxiety, depression, night terror, anxiety, and PTSD. Then, I take meds for the side effects of the other meds. And one additional for that med. I take a lot of meds… There are two major side effects of a couple of the meds that make life difficult. The first one isn’t as severe. I get a huge appetite with them, and I take those 3 times a day, so I’m constantly eating. To the point where I make myself sick. It is not an eating disorder, just a side effect of the med. It can be frustrating, especially when I’m caught up in something and I can’t break away to eat because I just feel foggy and unfocused on whatever task is at hand.

The one at night gives me a huge appetite, and I’m eating so much when it kicks in. I’ve tried eating just one heavy protein bar, but that just makes me more hungry. I’ve tried starving myself during those times, but like I said, it just makes me feel foggy and out of it. So, I just eat. It gets so bad that I don’t realize I’m eating at night and end up with food all around me, food in hand sometimes, and food all over me… Embarrassing and frustrating.

The one that makes me most upset is my nighttime med. It’s a mood stabilizer but also a sedative. So, within 30 minutes of taking it, I’m out. The reason it’s frustrating is because I have to take it consistently at the same time, and it knocks me out. It’s frustrating because it dictates my waking routine. I can rarely go out past 10 because I’m dead to the world. It’s really frustrating when I am around family and friends who are gathered and enjoying themselves well past 10, and I have to call it a night and don’t get to enjoy that time with them. There’s not really a coping mechanism there because the meds do what they do. I just have to live with it.

Many more symptoms come with being bipolar than just these. I live with many more, these are just my top 5 most problematic symptoms. It’s a daily struggle, but I somehow make it through. So can you.