We came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.
~Step Two
I finally fucking finished Step Two… Took me long enough!
It felt refreshing to finish another step though. This is how far I’ve gotten in the past and every time I would relapse. Now I get to move forward, clean and happy and productive.
One thing I had to conquer was my inability to ask for help from others regarding my addiction and recovery. In this case of something greater than me which makes it even harder because I can’t tangibly see that power in front of me. I must have physical evidence in front of me to believe it and it just wasn’t there. And for this power to retore me of sanity? Hell naw…
First thing, I’m mentally unstable without my meds (no shame in mental health diagnosis or mediation to help it), but I take meds because they help me with my sanity. I can see the pills. I know they are there and doing their job. To think I could just imagine something up to help me sounds absurd. Then I realized this is my ego talking and taking credit for things. My ego has been blocking me from accepting something I cannot see.
Insanity: Doing the same thing repeatedly expecting a different result.
I had to start chipping away at the ego to see the truth and understand there is something outside of me. I did crazy things in addiction that were seeped in insanity. But how could I get help from this?
What I realized about this step was that it is supposed to bring me back to a point in my life where I am happy and healthy. I must accept the help I need. I didn’t grow up religious so believing in something like that was foreign to me. However, through NA and the steps I found something. I consider myself Buddhist and I don’t know exactly what it is, but I’m here for it now.
The word ‘powerlessness’ is a big thing to. I don’t like to feel like I am out of control of my life, but that’s what this step heled me with. I still don’t know what it looks like, but I know there is something greater than me and I will continue to learn more about it and venture into uncomfortable unknown territory.
Now, onto Step Three!