I’m still in shock about what happened this week with the election. I’m scared for myself being queer and for my friends and family as women, people of color, immigrants, and queer people. This is a dark day for us. I feel afraid for my marriage, my place in society, and for my life. The far-right rhetoric has already begun with people calling for concentration camps for LGBTQ+ people and calls for execution of other minorities. Those supporters on the far right feel empowered now and have even said they feel comfortable saying those things out loud because their president is basically affirming their behavior.
It seems surreal, like it shouldn’t have happened. But the “american” people wanted this. I still don’t fully believe this is our new reality. I felt scared the first time he was in office, but no one really knew who he was and what he was capable of. This time around everyone knew what he was capable of and still voted him into office a second time. This is a major life moment for everyone and has endless unknown implications.
Because it is a major life moment and has scary consequences, going through the grief of losing something we fully wholeheartedly knew, is normal. And I am going through them. As Americans on the losing side, we are being forced to run through the stages of grief. All minorities are being faced with the end of many parts of their lives. We lost what we saw as freedom and unity and growth.
Over the past few days, I have gone through the stages of grief. Reluctantly so. I knew I had to process these feelings and pull up my bootstraps and move forward. I still don’t feel super confident about what there is to do next or how to work through the next four years, but I’ve tried really hard in a short amount of time. The five stages of grief denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. Each one is as crucial as the next to process emotions. This is how I went through them.
Denial. I went to bed early on election night because I was sure it was going to go our way and was just looking forward to waking up and seeing that our side had won the election. Instead, I woke up to them calling it for the other side. My heart immediately began to race, and I woke up my husband to tell him what was going on. I was panicked and couldn’t believe it. I was sure there was some mistake, or I was still asleep having a nightmare. Except I was wide awake. It wasn’t a fucking joke. This can’t be real.
Anger. My anger came on quickly after I moved away from denial. I’m pissed at America for allowing this to happen. To put someone in office who has said time and again he will destroy minorities rights, and he has no issue with it. How could these people actively support those actions, and the future actions he has promised? How could they vote against my rights? My trust in humanity has been shot. Why the fuck would people I know vote against my rights. I don’t trust people anymore. I’m so pissed off.
Bargaining. Moving on to trying to figure out how I could do something to turn this around. It’s futile but my mind started to try and figure out how I could reverse this outcome. What could I have done differently to make this new reality go away? What if I meditated enough and manifested a new outcome? What if I became religious and prayed to a god I didn’t believe in? What if we protested and let our voices be heard? What if we had campaigned better? What if I change my lifestyle and try to be a better person would it change the outcome? There are so many thoughts in my mind of thinking “what if.” I wish my actions and thoughts could change this, but I’m realizing that’s not possible.
Depression. I’ve spent the next couple of days in a depressive state. Trying to understand what happened and put such a weight on my shoulders. Trying to process has been an exercise in futility. Mourning the life of the country. We’re fucked anyways so why does it matter how I feel. I’m so confused how this happened and what can be done about it. I want to crawl into a hole and forget this is happening. If I avoid it it can’t exist, right?
Acceptance. I have come to accept that this is most likely our new world. One where minorities aren’t safe. I know people say we don’t have to accept this new reality, but on the level of grieving I have to accept this to be able to move forward. Whatever that looks like. It’s just a waiting game at this point. It’s like we are on the verge of war. I can sense something coming but aren’t quite sure what it is yet. It doesn’t mean I accept the behaviors and things being said but accepting that we have this problem now and must do something about it. I can’t sit at home and pretend it’s going to go away or get better on its own. I have to take action to make sure my rights and the rights others stay intact.
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change
The courage to change the things I can
And the wisdom to know the difference
To go through all of those emotions in just a few days was exhausting. I feel so defeated. I’m afraid for my rights, and with the escalation of events has me fearful for my life. POC have begun to receive targeted texts with their personal information saying they need to report to the nearest plantation to pick cotton or to be a slave. Like how they got personal information like that and then to say something like that. What’s next? It’s not even inauguration day. Those people now feel empowered but this man’s actions and words. I’m afraid shit is going to hit the fan when he is in office again.
But right now, there is nothing I can do about it but wait and see. I don’t know how this is going to end but it really feels wrong. What I’m going to do is try and hold out some hope that when he’s back in office things won’t be as bad as they seem. I know it’s going to suck, but I’m hoping it won’t be that bad.
It’s ok to go through grief. It’s completely normal, Process those feelings. Remain hopeful no matter how things feel now. It’s all we can do.