Lately, I’ve been dealing with a couple of things mentally. Things I wish I could cast out and not have to worry about. As anyone else would, naturally. Both stem from being insecure. And the infuriating part is I know that’s what they are based on, but I continue to have issues.
The first is my reliance on what other people feel about me. There is the super cliche saying, “What other people think of me is none of my business.” I wish I could understand that and implement it. But I care way too much about what people think about me, if they like me, if they don’t, then why, etc. I want people to like me, and if I feel they don’t, I obsess over it.
I feel like it’s a deficit on my part. Like I’m the problem. I want to overanalyze it and talk to people who seem like they are on good terms with them. I try to be overly nice in every interaction I have with them. It’s a weakness in my eyes. If I feel like I’m not getting anywhere, I pick over every single interaction and try to figure out what I have done to cause them to feel that way about me.
One of my rehab assignments was to write a love letter to myself. It was meant to be a way to explore and process my self-worth and why I place it all in others. I felt it would help me, but even when I go back and look at that letter, I still don’t see it. I’ve always concerned myself with those who seem to not like me. At the expense of those that do. It takes a toll on those relationships. I know it is rooted in insecurity, but just knowing that word is what this is, doesn’t help me break through to my mind. It sounds absurd that I know this but can’t seem to do anything about it.
The other issue I find myself dealing with, and it is somewhat related, is that I constantly feel like I’m bothering people. If I don’t get responses rather quickly, I feel like I’ve pushed people away and annoyed them. It’s especially prevalent when I am texting people. This instant gratification in the world of electronics is a huge factor, I’m sure. But I find myself texting someone and in the middle of a conversation they just disappear. It always sends my mind racing. I just don’t realize people don’t have their phones in their faces like I do.
Why did they just stop texting in the middle of the conversation? Are they annoyed with my texts? Are they annoyed with the topic? Are they just tired of me? The line of questions can be endless. Even if they do say that I’m not bothering them, I don’t believe it most times. They are just trying not to make me mad… The very next time I sense a pause in communication, my mind goes right back to it again.
You can see the vicious cycle this creates. I ask if I’m bothering them then I think they don’t like me. A never-ending cycle that pushes people away. Both can coexist within the same situation. It seems crazy to be able to write this down but still not be able to do anything about it.
I’ve been told varying things by therapists and psychiatrists over the years. The most prevalent was that I was raised in a household that lacked clarity of love. Not that love didn’t exist, but it was abnormal for it to be shown. That was reinforced with failed relationships where emotions weren’t shared. They said that’s why I seek out those types of relationships and friendships because it’s familiar and… wait for it… Safe for me. All this information at the same time happening around me as I try to just live.
Something I tried in rehab this last time was Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing, known as EMDR therapy as well as hypnotherapy. I tend to be a little skeptical and resistant to these types of things. But the spiritual path I’ve been led on the last few months helped me open my eyes to different types of therapy alternatives. So, I opened myself to this new thing. They both rely on a whole host of methods and approaches, more than I could list off here in a blog post, but worth looking up and seeing if it could help you.
The simple description is it breaks down the thought that you somehow deserve the abuse you endured/endured. It uses manipulated eye movements and bilateral sounds to access parts of your brain as well as tune into certain emotions that are contributing to your PTSD and states of anxiety. There’s a lot more to it but that’s the simple explanation.
I only had a couple of sessions with it, and it seemed to work for me. Now I’m trying to find a therapist here in Nashville who does EMDR work. The hypnotherapy is one I’m still rather skeptical about. Not being in control of my mind is a thought that scares the crap out of me. I had a few bad trips on psychedelics that gave me PTSD of not being in control so allowing something else to take over my thought process is a big risky thing for me. Having anything that resembles a bad drug-induced bad moment for me is scary.
For now, though I will practice meditation to reach parts of my brain that I’d rather leave alone and try to work through those emotions. I must remind myself that I can’t control anything but my thoughts and emotions. I can’t make other people like me or want to be with me and what happens will happen. Que Sera, Sera!
If you have any coping skills that help you get through things like this, please let me know in the comments.