It’s no secret that I’ve been to rehab. What some might not know is that I’ve been five times. And I worked as a tech for one of the facilities I went through. I’ve been through Florida, Tennessee, and Nevada. Some were great, others were absolutely horrible.
At one point in my life, I had five years clean. At the start of that five years, I had the opportunity to go to rehab, but two people who I thought were my friends guilted me into not going. Saying I was being selfish and was going to make it difficult on other people. This was way back in 2012. I had gotten a scholarship to go where I had planned on going, but that went down the drain because I let those “friends” make me feel guilty for trying to get help for my addiction issues. I wish I would have known then what I knew then. I would have stood up for myself. But it is what it is.
Later on in life I relapsed right after I hit that five-year mark. I had no tools to use because I didn’t attend meetings because I really didn’t know that was an option back then. I knew little of recovery and the recovery community. I was white knuckling it. So when I relapsed this was the first time I went to rehab. I was scared to death. I thought it was going to be full of criminals and deadbeats. I was going anyways because I knew I had to do something.
This one was in Florida in a music therapy-based treatment facility. I would end up going here 3 separate times. When I got there, I was terrified because I didn’t know what was coming. I didn’t know if I was going to be holed up in a room, or undergoing strong therapy, or a number of other fears. The fact that I’m gay was also scary for me because I didn’t know if I would be accepted by the other residents or had put myself in harm’s way.
All of those feelings were quickly debunked when I got there. This was a high-end treatment facility. It uses music-based therapy to help people. And I loved music, so it felt like a good fit. The residents were there for the same reasons as me, to get better. I did spend my first day crying because I was so scared and so embarrassed. Not scared of people, more so of what was to come through the treatment program.
The first few days there I was drugged up to help with my comedown. I came in with a high BAC so I was put on meds that knocked me out the first few days I was there. But when I woke up and started participating. It was so different than what I thought it would be. There were therapy sessions, jam session, activities, and much more. I started to learn what recovery was all about. I stayed or the full 29 days. I took so much home with me. I head learned to reach out, participate, and be productive in my recovery.
But I wasn’t ready yet. I relapsed about 6 months later. I was going through a breakup, and I didn’t handle it very well. I attempted to unalive myself, which I’ve tried several times in my past. I lashed out at everyone because I had started drinking. It was so bad I was drinking at work. After I relapsed, I called the same facility to see if I could come back, and they let me. Now I’m on my second time in rehab. Difference this time is I AMAed 2 weeks in. I kept thinking about my life outside of treatment and how much I was losing and lots of other things. I lasted about another 6 months before relapsing again. Theres the pattern, an inability to cope and navigate the world without drugs.
At the end of that stay in rehab I decided to move back home. Things were going good for a while until I met a couple and started a relationship with them. It was toxic beyond all belief. It was very abusive, manipulative, and psychologically damaging to me. So, I relapsed again after about 6 months. I reached back out again to the same treatment facility, and they said they couldn’t take me back to the same place and offered me a stay ats their facility in Nashville, where I’m from and live in.
I was determined for this to be my last time in treatment. I was going to put in all the work and make sure my recovery came first. I really took to heart all I learned that time and had 3 years of continuous recovery. I was going to meetings, making friends in recovery, working with a sponsor, and I even moved into a halfway house to start my own life. I put so much work in that I was able to work for that same treatment facility as a tech. It was one of the most fulfilling jobs I ever had, working with the patients. Not so much with the darker side of treatment and how the facility was run. But that’s another story for a later time.
During these 3 years I met the person I would marry, moved in with him, got my dog back after not being able to have her where I lived, got a car, and learned to love life again. But as my history goes, I ran into major relationship issues with my husband. There was a lot that went on, lots of lies, fighting, and bad choices. I didn’t think I could do anything else other than use, so that’s what I did.
This was the first time my husband saw who I was when I was using. It was stressful for him because he didn’t know what to do. So, we decided I would go back to rehab to get help again. This time I AMAed again, but not for the same reasons as before. The facility I was at was not equipped to handle much of anything other than young adults with severe mental issues. Not saying I don’t have those too, but it was not geared towards addicts. So, I called him to pick me up and he came and got me. I was at home for about 2 weeks before I found another rehab to go to. I was still determined to get help. So, this time I went to Las Vegas to get the help I needed.
It was hard being away from home, but I knew what I was there for, and I stayed the full 28 days. Out of all the places I’ve been to this one was the one I learned the most from. A lot was going on in my life outside of rehab, so I was balancing those things with my stay. I learned to reintegrate with the recovery community, which was a priority for me. I am definitely an introvert, but when it comes to my recovery, I am an extrovert. I learned to find my voice again.
I was going to put this to use this time and be the real me again. I was going to meetings, making new friends in recovery. I had momentum this time, something I haven’t had in a very long time. After I got out of rehab I was met with several disturbing revelations with friends and my relationship. Thins that used to make me want to use, bit I was certain I wouldn’t do the same thing over again. So, I leaned on my recovery community, and I made it through.
I now have over a year of recovery under my belt again. I pour literal blood, sweat, and tears into this time and stayed strong. I didn’t give in. I had learned what my triggers were and how to cope and manage them. I’ve worked really hard to repair my friendships and my relationship. I’ve made a point to communicate more often. It’s not always where I want it to be, but I’m trying.
I fell down a lot, but I keep getting back up again. I have no choice. It is possible to live a full and healthy life in recovery. It’s important to not get discouraged. I know that’s easier said than done, but its important. I also have made a point to put my recovery first.
All that being said, you can do it, because I’m proof it’s possible. Possible to be the best version of yourself possible. You will falter, make bad decisions, be faced with life altering events, but as long as you keep you head high and recovery first, you are capable of anything.