Step 1

We admitted that we were powerless over our addiction, that our lives have become unmanageable.

~Step One

Three months after my relapse, 2 rehabs, 69 questions later, I went over my first step with my sponsor. This time writing my step out I felt inspired and excited to go through it. This was the first time I had some excitement in doing do. The previous attempts I didn’t really feel any kind of attachment or interest in it and half assed the answers. I had so many questions that I gave one sentence, or even one-word answers. No substance or very obviously didn’t give a shit. Thankfully my sponsor was good with my answers and gave me the go ahead to start Step Two.

There were two sections that most impact for me, Reservations and Surrender. Both sections were difficult to write but made me think the most. Having to think about and list out things that would most likely make me relapse was eye opening. I never really thought about how impactful some events, if they were to happen, that would lead me to using again. But when I thought about it, the event that led me to relapse this time happened, and obviously I did. I’m just thankful for the opportunity to think about those things and bring them to light so that if they do start to happen, I can identify them early and take measure to prevent relapse.

Surrender was a difficult one as well. Recognizing my lack of ability to never again have control over using successfully. Unlike normies, I don’t have the ability to moderate or use sparingly. The surrender part to me was identifying that trait that I have and respecting it. It sounds weird to respect an inability to do something, but if I don’t I would let it slide and take over.

I would say the question that made me think the most was, “Have I made peace with the fact that I am an addict?” My answer was, “Not fully no. Making peace with something that has caused me so much pain doesn’t seem fully possible for me yet. It’s something I am working on.” I need to work on connecting surrender with this question of fully accepting my condition. It’s easier said than done because of lived with this issue for so long its second nature for me and hard to pull apart from the rest of who I am. But I know it’s worth it, and I’m very excited to have completed my first step and have such a desire to keep working them.

Also a bonus pic of my journal I write my steps in. I’m proud of it.