A while back, I was watching one of my favorite shows, and at the end of the show, there was this amazing scene with an equally amazing song to go with it. I’ll let you watch the video first, then I will explain why this had such an impact on me.
So first, I apologize for the graphic storyline being depicted here, but that song and that scene, WOW! Secondly, there is so much to be said about this scene, and it can apply to us as people living a life of recovery.
The scene above depicts a woman who is dealing with a lot of issues. She not only is literally removing the makeup from her face, but she is metaphorically removing the façade she feels she has to keep up to maintain an image of a strong person who doesn’t let outside influences determine her mood or security.
Addicts often hide behind a mask. There are many reasons why addicts hide behind these facades, put a smile on their faces, and pretend nothing is wrong. I’m guilty of this at times. To hide how deeply hurt we are inside because of our addiction. We want to hide our pain so others don’t see us as weak. We don’t know if it is OK to even say we are addicts because of all the groups that preach anonymity. Those masks feel forced. We want more than anything to make people believe we have everything under control and live a happy and meaningful life.
Holding these things in and faking our way through recovery can take a toll, and can lead to relapse because everything is just building up. Everyone is different, but we all have our limits of how much we can mentally take, and oftentimes it ends up in an explosion of emotion and bad decisions, ie, using to cope.
The video made me think about how she took her makeup off, she was able to ask her husband questions she hadn’t had the courage to ask. She stopped being the woman pretending to be happy in her life and became her true self, and was able to address a major issue in her life. (I won’t go into detail about what all surrounds the scene, mainly because it doesn’t involve addiction).
Sometimes we need to, not allow our true self to come out and confront things in our lives instead of skating by and fooling ourselves into thinking we will be fine holding everything in. Regardless of whether you see it or not, holding onto emotions like that has an impact on your mental and physical health.
When I first went clean I was ridiculed for being so open about my disease, mocked and told I just had a weak mind, in a demeaning and purposely hurtful way, and told that the only way to stay clean was to only talk about to people in a circle and not announce my recovery, I felt it was a forced mask.
In the beginning, I really doubted if I could do the whole recovery thing and if I had already cost myself my recovery since I announced it on social media. I was sent several messages from people saying never mention it unless you are in a group or telling me I needed a sponsor to tell me how this recovery thing should be done. Which was in their mind, the only way.
While I understand the logic behind the initial anonymity for newcomers to create a safe place for them to feel they have someone to confide in, I don’t think people should be shamed if they are open about it straight out of the gate. But that post is for a later time.
I wanted my family and friends to know I had gotten clean and had plans to move beyond that part of my life. But when I was met with such animosity, I put up a wall so that people didn’t see me as this weak, hurt, struggling guy who just wanted to talk to someone and be open. I didn’t want people to dislike me because I wasn’t as strong as them (in my mind).
It ate me alive for a long time and started affecting my mental state when it came to jobs, friends, family, strangers, etc. I pretended to be this guy who was ok with life and the hand I was dealt. Little did I know, at the time, people saw right through it. It got so bad at one point I became physically sick several times because I was done with everything that had built up for lack of confidence in people, because I thought they wouldn’t accept me.
I made a decision to drop the mask and see what people thought of me when they saw me as the struggling guy trying to stay clean. Much to my surprise, not much changed with the attitude of others. But the most important thing is that my attitude toward myself changed. I let my feelings out; my emotions got to escape the prison of my mind. I feel better for it, and recommend trying it yourself.