To say this year has been difficult would be putting it mildly. But the one thing I didn’t do was use. They say not to make major life decisions your first year, but I dove right into a lot of changes. I feel better for it though.
This time last year I was sitting in my second rehab of the year. The first was a total disaster and the “rehab” was not geared towards people with addiction, so I decided to go to a different facility out in Vegas. On of the best decisions I made this year. I fought to get there, but as soon as I got there I was fighting to go home. I was thinking I could manage this one my own. But I finally came to and decided to stay the full 28 days.
I experienced all the emotions that come with facing addiction and recovery. I learned to trust other people with my care which I never really liked to do, as I have authority issues. I learned to advocate for myself, primarily with my medication and with who I thought was a good fit to provide my therapy. I went out of my comfort zone and did activities that I never thought I would, like hiking up a mountain to see all of Vegas and finding out more about myself.
Being in rehab and attending groups where I was one piece of a bigger group with so many different outlooks on life taught me patience and how to understand others have different paths than me and I’m not the pinnacle of recovery. I was able to learn how to give grace, not just to others but to myself as well. Rehab was one of the best and most important decisions I made.
This year I lost friends and gained others. I fought for my marriage as it seemed to be fading away after dealing with near deal breakers. I changed my career path to my passion, thankfully with full support from my husband. Picked up vaping, a replacement to curb cravings. Just to name a few. They were all very emotional and hard events to navigate.
The relapse understandably pushed some people away or caused people to put up a guard because of it. I relapsed right before one of my best friend’s weddings, who is also in recovery. I was the best man, and I’m sure my they were worried about what would happen. It made me feel horrible to know I worried them on their biggest day. My relapse and subsequent healing process after rehab put a serious strain on a friendship I’ve had since middle school. It really sucks to feel like I’m losing them, and others that are/were in my life. But I know my actions had consequences, it’s just hard to live a life where I know I messed up and could lose things in my life. I have since tried to repair those relationships, but nothing comes for free, and everything takes time. I just have to make myself understand some things will never be the same.
My marriage was strained by my relapse and stay in rehab. Lots of normally deal breaking events happened on his part and mine, after I relapsed and for a while after I got back. We fought constantly over the smallest things and those fights escalated quickly. Shouting matches, throwing things, saying things we regret. For a while I thought we were done, but I kept focusing on my recovery and being a better person and those fights got less and less and now I feel like we are back on the same page and better able to understand each other. My rehab stint taught me a lot about relationships in recovery and how it affects others in our lives. I faced that fact and took responsibility for the fallout from my relapse.
I also made a major job shift in my life. I chose not to put myself through hell working for a toxic corporate customer facing job. It was a nightmare working for the company I did. It was affecting my life in many ways, including compromising my recovery. They say don’t make major life decisions in the first year of recovery, but this was different. If I didn’t make that change, I’m not sure where I would be right now. I chose to start my own small business where I made the decisions, and I would be solely responsible for what happened and didn’t have this umbrella of a company watching my every move and restricting my decisions. It’s been one of the best decisions I have made this year. It lowered my stress level; brought me happiness and I didn’t have to pretend to be happy around people I would rather not have in my life. I say if it’s a big decision and it helps your recovery, do it.
Lots of other things happened this year that I had to learn to navigate clean, some easy, some hard, but I got this far. After all that happened this year, I still stayed clean and picked up my one-year tag. It may seem like a little piece of plastic to a normie, but I worked hard for that piece of plastic. It reminds me of where I’ve been and how far I’ve come. I’m not where I want to be but as cliché as it sounds, I’m a million miles from where I was. And for that I am a grateful and recovering addict. Here’s to another day fighting for and living a life worth being proud of.