Everyone always looks back and says, “damn, I wish I would’ve known that going into this, maybe I wouldn’t have _______.” For me it was getting my bipolar diagnosis. There are so many things I wish I had known when I got my type I bipolar disorder diagnoses back in 2006. I also got a little razzle dazzle thrown in there with rapid cycling and mixed features. The craziest of the crazy to me.
There are things I think I would have benefited more from knowing. Living with bipolar can be hell at times. Not just for me, but those I choose to surround myself with. I look back and think maybe that if I had known certain things, those relationships could be salvaged, that job could have been saved, or I wouldn’t have accumulated so much debt. Or I could feel better with the diagnosis and the good things that came from it. Just having a more positive overall feeling about it.
It’s hard to pare it down to just a few, but these were the biggest standouts to me as I developed as someone who has bipolar disorder. I really think it would have been life-changing to know these things can and would happen. I can’t blame everything on my diagnosis, but it would have made life a little easier.
- What’s that homoerotic art gallery you were talking about.?
There are so many things I think of that I could do. One time I thought I could open a male erotica art gallery in Richmond back when I lived there. I’ve also been studying several different languages throughout the year. They change frequently a well, I’ve tried Japanese, French, German, and the latest is Italian. Another thing I end up making are lists. Lists of who I can’t stand in Hollywood in order of bad cameos, my favorite fruits that have origins in countries outside of the US, and this one time I made a list of all the people in my life in order of importance… My dogs were number one.
I would hyperfocus on the most random things, but the problem with that is I would lose all focus on anything else. I would spend hours on these things and disregard everything else that was important, like work and relationships. These grandiose ideas about what I was capable of have cost me jobs, relationships, money, and more. In the eyes of others, since I asked when I was in a more stable mood, said I looked like I was in a trance, and it was scary to try and approach me for not knowing how I would react. That was a tough one for me because of my insecurity and constant search for approval from others.
- NO WIRE HANGERS! … Or pickle jars on the fridge!
I would nitpick the hell out of things in my more manic episodes. Where things are is a huge deal for me. Its consistency that I need. The predictability. It annoys the crap out of my husband because he doesn’t always understand why my mind works the way it does. Like recently I raged on him because a jar of pickles fell off the fridge and broke some other glasses. They weren’t supposed to be there, and I had told him that at one point. Another thing was I burnt my hand on some incense that he was burning that in my mind wasn’t where incense should be. Granted he was burning it on the edge of the counter in the kitchen. And this was right after the pickles had dropped. Trigger stacking anyone? (a term I use frequently in the line of work I do, dog training).
It’s this constant thought that isn’t conveyed properly, or at all, that I need things a certain way to help me through those episodes. This is where people get burned and jaded towards me. They see me as frantic and unpredictable when all I’m trying to get is some predictability. If I could only think of these things during these episodes and not appear so unstable to others.
- Cha-ching you’re overdrawn.
Meds, therapy, psychiatry. They don’t warn you of all the money you need to invest in this diagnosis. Meds for me can run into the hundreds of dollars when I get refills. Therapy is easily $2-300 a month. And psychiatry costs are in that mix too. The other side effect that has a little more recognition though is the impulsivity. Mine typically manifest in spending money on things that are completely unnecessary. I’ve spent loads of money on music before Spotify was a thing, in game currency on games that I rarely play anymore and have nothing tangible to show for it, and TONS of money on drugs and alcohol.
There’s only so many stories you can tell to hide the bleeding of money. I’m more transparent with my current husband but I catch myself in my old ways from time to time. These behaviors cause a lack of trust that spill over into other parts of my life.
Let’s not be all negative though. I’ve experienced quite a few positives from being diagnosed with bipolar. It sucks that many people only see the bad side, but that’s human nature. The more we talk about it though, the less stigma will be attached to it. Here are a few of the good things I’ve seen in my life since being diagnosed.
- Ready your armor…
I started to become a trooper in a lot of areas in my life. It helps me get through other things. I have this thought of, “if I could do this or live through this, I can do anything.” It’s important for me to harness that energy and apply it to other parts of my life. Any time I get into a less pleasant episode I just use it a mantra or affirmation to remind myself I am stronger than I think I am in this moment. “I can do this!” I notice myself being a stronger person than before. One who can approach situations with new positivity and persevere through.
- Wearing your heart on your sleeve isn’t always a bad thing.
I really started to care and meet people where they are in life. I became way more empathetic to others in my life. They began to matter to me in my lists of priorities. People started to be something I looked forward to and enjoy. But what I really started to notice was my concern for myself. I started to recognize that I was just as worth the energy I was starting to put into others. Don’t get me wrong, I still suffer from lots of insecurities and self-worth problems, but over time I have seen myself as worthy. Worthy of love from others, but most importantly myself.
- Nam myoho renge kyo…
On that same not, I started to identify parts of my life that needed attention, and how my spirituality could help. In some of those manic episodes I was able to spend energy on things I wouldn’t typically when I was stable. One of those things was me getting in tune with who my Higher Power was and how that could give me new purpose and live a life worth living. I read books and took notes, for days at a time sometimes, about Buddhism (my chosen spiritual path). I learned how to harness my internal energy and learn more about myself than I have ever known before. I felt a purpose. Something I never had before.
The good and the bad I wish I knew when I first got diagnosed. It would have been easier to approach and know what I was looking at. I know it’s not possible to know everything all at once, and it’s all a learning experience, I just wish there were some manual out there that you get like the Handbook for the Recently Deceased in Betelgeuse. Wouldn’t that be something.
But, the closest I can contribute to something like that is sharing my story and voice like this. My experiences aren’t unique, but they do run parallel with others. I hope that these reach the right person who needs to read it, and to the others, leave behind what you don’t.
<3