I haven’t felt this way since I was a kid and young adult. I grew up closeted, but anyone with half a brain could tell I was gay. The way I talked, dressed, and walked were all giveaways. Even with my attempts to hide it, like going to church because who would suspect I was gay if I said hi to Jesus once a week? I even at one point tried to hang out with people who were on the sports teams at high school. If I had macho straight guys to hang out with, who would suspect? Obviously, none of those things actually worked. I was different. Too different.
I was scared as a kid in rural Texas and rural Tennessee because I couldn’t hide who I was. Tennessee was a bit easier for some reason, but Texas was absolute hell. Rural anywhere can be difficult, but rural Texas is a beast in and of itself. I never felt for my life more than. I was constantly questioned, passively aggressively, like why I kept referring to certain people as “they/them” instead of saying “him” when I was talking about people/people I liked. I got threatened to get the shit kicked out of me many times. It’s the reason I skipped so much of school to simply save myself from the bullying and torment.
Going into adulthood, I was just as nervous because I never really had anyone I could look to for advice, guidance, and examples of how to live as a gay man. I went into adulthood very immature and uneducated on the gay community and how to navigate it. I acted out, did a lot of drugs, job hopped, and treated my relationship like it was second fiddle to the rest of my life. The relationship I was in was very… contained… The best way I can explain it. I basically lived a second life outside of that relationship. The entire 15 years.
I felt fear most of my life. And now I fear for my life now. My safety, my livelihood. I feel like I’m just now figuring out who I am over the past few years but now feel as if I have to hide those things about my life again. Albeit different reasons, but now I’m more scared as an adult.
The current political climate is what has me on edge again. I feel like I can’t be myself for fear of being targeted. My rights are being taken away. Some say it’s alarmist, but it’s literally happening in front of our eyes. And we are only days into this new administration. Equality policies that protect minorities and marriage policies turning back to the 1950s are just the beginning. They have even more plans to strip away rights for me and so many others. It’s scary. These things emboldened his followers to act out on things they probably wouldn’t do otherwise. They feel supported in their thoughts and actions.
All the parts that make me, me are disappearing because of all the changes in the country. I’ve never felt safe holding hands in public because of the way I grew up, but now even more so. Levi never understood why I felt unsafe, but I think he is starting to realize why now. Other things I feel I have to change or do are taking my pride flag down from my house, stop painting my nails, not dress as “gay,” don’t speak in certain situations because I may sound too “gay” for those around me. Risky behaviors now. It has affected me so much that I have been having vivid thoughts about being targeted for those things and getting the shit kicked out of me, and even killed.
I’ve had thoughts of things I’ve never thought of like us getting a gun to protect ourselves. Putting cameras around the house. Taking my equality sticker off of my car. I feel like I have to change myself to be safe. Some say, usually those who follow the pumpkin, there’s nothing to worry about; he’s not coming after you. Wrong, he has already taken multiple measures to target the LGBTQ+ community. Things that allow us to be discriminated against, giving fuel to the same people that stormed the capital.
No one should live in fear by modifying who they are. We had come so far and fought so hard for what we had, and now it’s being taken away. My marriage might be dissolved because of these changes. My ability to look for work and not be discriminated against is in question now. And so much more is lined up to be changed and taken away.
So, yeah, I’m afraid for myself and so many others in the same position. Some say keep fighting, but it feels exhausting. Others say you shouldn’t have to change anything and still stand proud of who you are and what you stand for. I wish my mind worked that way because I wouldn’t feel the way I do otherwise. So, for now, I’m going to hang my head low and try and get through the next 4 years. Seems like a lifetime away. Who knows, maybe I will feel more confident in the future, but for now, I’m just going to feel these feelings and protect myself as best I can.