You are not unique. Never have been, never will be. And that’s ok.
This may seem like a harsh and insensitive thing to say to someone but hear me out. We all have things that are unique to us, like the way we look, the way we talk, the way we carry ourselves, our personal interests, etc. However, the struggles we live with are not unique to us. And that’s a good thing.
I lived for a long time thinking I was special, that I was the only person struggling with my type of addiction circumstances. My ego was getting in the way of me getting any help. I was beyond help that anyone could give because no one was like me. I was only fooling myself. My ego was attached to every part of my being. And it showed.
I was “above” going to meetings at some points, and other points I wasn’t going because I thought I couldn’t get the help I needed for feeling the same way. Ego manifested itself on all my moods. I would think about reaching out, but just used instead. I had to do something different.
I started going to meetings and I was finding bits of my life here and there with each person’s share. From the type of drugs I used, the life difficulties that contributed to my relapses, and hearing that I wasn’t beyond help, if I got past my ego and let myself be vulnerable. Which was scary as fuck! It meant that the work could help, I just had to do it.
Step One is what helped get me through things and put my ego into perspective.
We admitted we were powerless over our addiction and that our lives had become unmanageable.
Not only did I have to admit my addiction problems, but I also had to admit my life had become this thing I didn’t recognize and that it was led by this thing called ego. Everyone must do Step One, not just me. Everyone must admit the same problem and try to make their lives more manageable. We are all just as each other. We are all here in this same spot. We all have each other to rely on. By doing these things I was able to see myself for who I truly was. Someone who is just like every other addict in the rooms seeking the same help and solace in their life.
I have broken down parts of my ego over time. As my next milestone is 9 months coming up in a couple of months, I see a difference in myself. Don’t get me wrong, I still have quite a bit of ego when it comes to certain things. But these days I’m able to better identify and manage those feelings and actions. By identifying my ego, I can keep myself above water and address issues as they come up instead of letting myself spiral in my ego. When I don’t focus on it, I lose control. I can’t lose control another time, I just don’t have it in me. So here’s to having an ego, but keeping it in check.