Things have been going semi-ok the past couple of months since I’ve been back. I got home and was ready to hit the ground running. I was going to journal, go to meetings, blog more, meet my sponsor, get my therapy and psychiatry world in order, spend more times with my friends in recovery, and friends and family. All these grand plans, with mania of this newest time free after a relapse. I’ve only done a few of these. Things started to get complicated again.
I am not the embodiment of recovery, far from it. My human ass fell fast from that pink cloud. My flaws got the best of me. I fell into old ways, got complacent, and things aren’t where I want them to be right now. I’ve also been letting this depressing weather get to me as well. Here in Tennessee most of winter isn’t that picturesque snow-covered ground with kids making snow angels. Its gray, cold, and wet. Sunshine is hard to come by this time of year. It’s wreaking havoc on my mental state. No doubt I have SAD (Seasonal Affective Disorder).
Most of those things I didn’t do. I didn’t set up that safety net. It feels as if I am back in rehab days out of the detox. Wondering when I’m going to come out of it and get back to reality and enjoy the post rehab excitement that I get every time.
Each time I’ve gotten out of rehab, that pink cloud fades faster and faster than before. Not giving me any kind of delusion. It can be a blessing and a curse. In the past when I would be in it I would have time to plan my path forward so that when I hit reality I had some kind of plan to move forward with. Although pink clouding can be a good thing, it can also set you up for failure. I’ve just been given a swift dose of reality.
The pink cloud felt just as good as the drugs. So, it felt like I’m detoxing from the euphoria of the adrenaline rush of wanting to do better this time. Just like coming down from the drugs, I’m coming down from the pink cloud and tasting that reality once again. I came crashing down.
But the way I decide to look at it is I was thrust into reality because that pink cloud didn’t work before. I am being forced into a new way of navigating things. One where it’s hard and difficult to handle. I’m living the real world of recovery now, no hand holding, no euphoria. I’m being tested, by my own addict brain to see if I can handle things.
I’m on a new road. I can do this. I will do this.
test