I never knew what I was doing when I was growing up when I had these tics or random repetitive behaviors. I just thought something was wrong with me. I would pop my pinky finger repetitively until it hurt. I would repetitively bite my cheeks to the point of making them bleed at times. I had teachers who would see this and scold me for it saying I was seeking attention and that there was something wrong with me. I had one teacher who would smack the tops of my hands with a small paddle she had on her keys. I would also have to deal with corporal punishment when I said I couldn’t stop. Keep in mind I was in middle school in the 90s when this stuff was just common behavior from school leaders.
This contributed to my insecurities and me thinking there was something wrong with me at the root. I think sometimes that I wish I could find them and tell them how they affected me. But that wouldn’t do any good. What I can do is learn about my behaviors where they come from and how they affect me and those around me today. The good news is that today, even if people don’t understand it, they don’t treat me the way people did when I was growing up.
These behaviors have followed me throughout my life, and I still never really knew what they were or what was causing them. But I did start to notice they calmed me down sometimes. So I knew they weren’t always bad. The individual behaviors have changed some over the years. I still pop my fingers or rub them together (sometimes to the point of discomfort), I rub my hands together, I will rub my face and nose repetitively, I will scratch my scalp sometimes to the point of making it bleed, skin picking, blinking my eyes repetitively, and several other things.
Only recently did I learn what these behaviors were called. Then I learned why I deal with these behaviors. I learned that I was neurodivergent, and the behaviors were called stimming. It was kind of s relief but also anxiety-inducing because I had this whole other part of me that I had to figure out, define, and label. It was daunting to have to figure out yet another thing “wrong” with me. I already know I suffer from addiction and mental health issues, but now I have to add this on.
I recently read an article about stimming that helped me understand more about these behaviors. Although it had a heavy focus on stimming in regards to those with autism, it also said it can affect people with mood disorders and neurotypical people. I found a lot of myself in that article and
What I’ve learned is that these behaviors are indicative of other things. They are a symptom. Mine is present when I am anxious, depressed, and overwhelmed. They are a precursor to those emotions and moods getting worse. They have served as a way for me and others to identify those feelings and moods earlier on so they can be addressed.
Levi and other friends and family over the years have learned to notice and react to my stimming behaviors, although they didn’t know exactly what they were in the beginning. They just knew that I was anxious, stressed out, or overwhelmed. This has helped me tremendously in noticing the signs that lead to emotions and moods. This way I can prepare and handle them better than before. It’s always a learning thing.
I recommend you tell and show people what your stimming behaviors are so that they can help you manage those emotions and moods. It has helped a lot with mine. It’s also important to let your medical care team like your therapist, psychiatrist, and primary care physician know about this as well so they can come up with plans on the medical side of how to deal with these behaviors. I am on meds for a lot and one of those meds is to help curb those impulses.
If you have stimming behaviors share them in the comments below.
Here are some examples of stimming behaviors; Stim List 📄